a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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