Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize