its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
