I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
