I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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