I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
