I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
