i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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