wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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