she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
