we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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