i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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