I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
