I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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