somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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