You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
