I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
