fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
bring money and cleavage
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
