This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
