God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
