people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
