Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize