If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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