i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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