All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
