I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
