I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
