I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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