Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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