If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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