i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
