Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
