who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My penis needs a shock collar
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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