Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize