I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
