1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
