well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
