don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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