I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
