you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
