My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
