yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
