Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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