i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
