Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
