I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
