i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
