low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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