6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
