So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
