did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
