I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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