Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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