a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
We just shotgunned beers for America
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
