I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
