If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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