Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
