Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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