Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
